One Last View of Mom
We said goodbye to mom in May after a five year battle with cancer. She left on her own terms, under the care of the wonderful University of Vermont hospice network and Act 39. The day mom passed, my dad and sister asked me to stay with her after she went to sleep. Everyone has their own role to play in these moments. After all the work they’d done and endured living with her in the years leading up to that moment, they didn’t want have to watch her slip away. Someone had to walk her to the gate, and I stayed with her on the couch until her final breath an hour later. It’s seared into my memory today, something I talk about now and again with my therapist and friends, learning in time how to remember the moment without reliving it.
We spread her ashes near O'Rourke's Bench on Mt. Tam in California, a spot she, ever the planner, planned well in advance. It sits atop the Pacific-facing side of the mountain, a golden patch overlooking the ocean just north of the Golden Gate Bridge. Mom loved hiking in Marin. I stayed behind after the group departed the spot, wanting a few moments alone to feel that last moment of goodbye, perhaps once again feeling like I was with her in the end but this time with relief and closure. After I started walking back, at some point I turned around and this is what I saw. I think in that moment I felt her finally at peace. “One Last View of Mom”
Act 39 is Vermont's Medical Aid in Dying (MAID) law. Also known as death with dignity, PAD, etc. Vermont's implementation is small but mighty. After years of experiencing many of the lows of the American healthcare system, they were the opposite. Warm, respectful, and most importantly treated mom with a genuine tenderness and caring she deserved. It's just one man who prepares this medication for every patient that goes through this in Vermont, and he hand-delivers it to each of them. They also connected mom with a wonderful death doula that helped her navigate much of the final months. If this was in any way moving to you, consider donating to your local Wayfinder or MAID support organizations. They do amazing work.